Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
