She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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