I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
