I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
