i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
