My first STD was from a foam party
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
