is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
