chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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