I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
