Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
