I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
