so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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