I'm so fucking centered right now
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
