Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
