Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
