i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
