I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
