So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
