In the future we'll all be gay
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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