ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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