you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
