Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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