masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Randomize
