Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
