The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
