I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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