I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
