Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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