My balls are so social today.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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