I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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