you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
