okay pat passed out under dana's car
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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