Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
