Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
