So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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