five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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