but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
