Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
