My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
