I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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