the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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