I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
