The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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