Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
