I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
