at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
