You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
