My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
