what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
