you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
