You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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